“I am worn out from my groaning. All night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow.” Psalm 6:6-7

I am way too familiar with the darkest seasons of the soul. Many people are familiar with seasonal depression. When the skies are gray and dreary, our mood is low. When we can’t soak up rays of sunshine, we feel down. We are familiar with fall, winter, spring, and summer, but what about seasons of the soul?

I first encountered this concept a few years after my mother took her own life. Outside the seasons were transitioning. The stark, bare landscape of my yard in winter was yielding to soft spring rains, producing leaf buds on the tree branches. My tulips and canailles were shooting up through the soil. The monkey grass surrounded by a skirt of dead brown leaves was shooting up pale new leaves in the center of its being. The birds started chirping again and the bees began their work. The kids tossed off their shoes and scurried up trees and deep into the woods, staying there for hours.

These are the moments a mother’s soul can breathe. I released the kids from their schoolwork early so they could enjoy the miracle of spring or maybe told them schoolwork could wait till after lunch. I sat in my picture window with my coffee and felt the silence of the house settle in. I should be content. I should be marveling at the wonders of spring, but there was darkness in my soul. The browns and black cords were climbing up and destroying my peace.

Why? Why was I so sad? Everything was great, but I didn’t FEEL great. Then I looked at the calendar. We were preparing to celebrate my oldest’s birthday. We had marked that day well, but right after that date was a sad date: the anniversary of my mother’s death. It was the date when my mother took her own life. It had been a few years and most people didn’t even think about it anymore. Most people didn’t think about HER anymore. I wasn’t even thinking about her, but suddenly my body took the posture of mourning, and I now knew why.

“THE BODY REMEMBERS WHAT THE MIND FORGETS.”

It is a scientific fact. “Trauma can be physical or mental and leave lasting impressions. Experiences like abuse, betrayal, rejection, and abandonment can result in trauma. While you may think you have moved on from a scary or painful experience, your body may be holding on.” ~ Bessel Van Der Kolk

That was many years ago and now, when April approaches, I am no longer surprised, but since my children have grown and left home, I am noticing another seasonal trend. My “summer freakout,” which I always associated with stress in preparing for the next school year, continues. July has typically been the worst month for me. Even since my mother passed, I have had a rough time in the July, but I never asked “why.”

Since I’m in a season of being real, being authentic, I am finally able to ask myself, ask the LORD “why.”

King David asked us to examine our hearts, “When you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent.” Psalm 4:4

We should allow “the righteous God who probes minds and hearts” to search our hearts. Psalm 7:9

In the night seasons, in our lowest point, when we flood our bed with tears, we should silently allow the LORD to speak to us. Allow the LORD to whisper. Allow the LORD to speak.

Here is my confession: July has historically a month of sin for me. I have fallen in some very big ways in that month: adultery, teenage pregnancy… This has been my July. This has been on my soul and yet not consciously in my mind. The tyranny of my desires has tripped me in this season and caused a shroud of darkness to hover over my soul. The enemy is skilled at producing a sense of condemnation over things that the LORD has forgiven.

WHAT THE LORD HAS TAUGHT ME ABOUT SEASONS OF THE SOUL

As I enter this month, I am remembering all the things that the LORD has taught me about the seasons of the soul:

1. Seasons of the soul are just that: SEASONS.

When April approaches, I know that the spring rains will yield to the hot summer. The flowers will shrivel and fade. Then the fruit will appear. This does not change. It happens this way year after year.

The heat of July reminds me of the heat of my youth that yielded a dark winter of the soul. Consequences of my sin thrust me into a season of pain. I could try to dress it up and see the positives. I could say the summer was for the best, but to be honest, the LORD used the darkness to bring me back to him. The dark winter made me long for gentle spring rains and the LORD is the one who brings the rain.

“For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.” Psalm 30:5

This season is not a lifelong sentence. By God’s grace, it will come to an end.

2. In dark seasons, confess where you are to the LORD. Then be SILENT.

 Say, “LORD, I should be enjoying the spring rains or the autumn colors or the warmth of summer or the soft blanket of snow, but I’m not. Show me why this darkness looms over my soul.”

Then be quiet! Put away your phone. Turn off the TV. Step away from the family and close the door.

“When you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent.” Psalm 4:4

Remove yourself from the distractions and take a deep breath. Be silent.

3. Humbly ask the LORD to teach you what is needed.

In different seasons, I need different things. I ask the LORD to lift the darkness, but not until he has shown me what I’m supposed to learn in this place. Am I supposed to grieve, rejoice, repent, rest, partake, abstain, be still, move? I ask God to tech me with whatever season I find myself in.

“Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them.” Isaiah 30:20

4. Remember that God is with you.

“By day the Lord directs his love, at night his song is with me— a prayer to the God of my life.” ~ Psalms 42:8

God is with us in the good and the bad… in the bright days and the dark nights. What ever season we are in God has not turned his back on us? He may be silent or his song may be soft in the background. When the night seasons are upon you, remember that Jesus is right by your side.

5. It’s OK to ask the LORD to bring this season to an end

“In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly.” Psalms 5:3

I can abide in a dark season because I know it will come to an end, but I also lay my petitions before God. I know he is teaching me, but I also know that he hears my prayers. Ask the LORD to bring the spring rains. Ask the LORD to bring out the sun. Ask the LORD to calm the fires of summer. When we ask with the right spirit, the right motives, we then wait expectantly. When I ask the LORD, he has been more than faithful to transition me into the next season. My weeping comes to an end. The sun faithfully rises on a new day.

6. In long seasons, remember the LORD is your refuge

“But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble.” Psalms 59:16

Sometimes a season lasts longer than I would like. The groundhog emerges and then returns to his winter sleep. I want to break free of this restrictive cocoon. I want to fly, but God keeps me hidden longer. God not only knows how long the season will be, he is protecting me all along the way. I am hidden in the stronghold of God. I am protected in the times of trouble.

In this, I rejoice. I remind myself of his love in the morning. I remember he is a safe place in the storm.

WEEKLY BIBLE MEDITATION

1. Psalms 6 – Psalms 6:6 “All night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears.”
2. Psalms 30 – Psalms 30:5b “Weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.”
3. Psalms 4-5 – Psalms 4:4b “When you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent.” Psalms 5:3 “In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly.”
4. Psalms 42 – Psalms 42:8 “By day the Lord directs his love, at night his song is with me— a prayer to the God of my life.”
5. Psalms 59 – Psalms 59:16 “But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for . you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble.”