Tonight I’m thinking of my mom. Most of the time my brain is too busy to spend time thinking about her but it’s 3:30 am and I can’t sleep. It’s rare for me not to sleep. I’d probably write a lot more if I slept less. My husband warded off an inevitable melt-down tonight by shoving me out the door to have coffee with a friend. It was 8:30 and I had not eaten dinner. Mostly due to lack of time management on my part. My friend is a jewel. I left her house thinking that I had prattled on about my life tonight and she didn’t really get to tell me about her trip she just returned from. I will resist beating myself up about it,I hope she forgives me for being selfish.

How much sadness can a person swallow? This phrase has been echoing in my head for months now. My Mom’s family was very formal. I’m not sure how it came to be since my great grandparents were farmers. I think maybe some how their success resulting wealth poisoned them. I’m not really in the mood to analyze them. I’m just sad. Sad that Mom felt like she never made the cut. She would swing back and forth from pride and denial to self degradation and injury. One minute everything was perfect and wonderful in her eyes and the next the world was coming to an end.

I was so strapped into my parent’s roller coaster that even when I was gone from home, I felt I had to ride. I chose a painful path to leave home and yet I returned to take part in the drama. How strange is that? I knew that the twister would pull me into it but I still hovered near. Others had the good sense to stay away but I didn’t.

I loved her. It’s my only excuse, With all the heartache with all the pain… I hoped one day my mom would wake up and stop the crazy cycle. But she never did. She went to sleep and never woke up. It was such a permanent decision.

A person casually said that “They (me and my brother) would always wonder what we could have done…” It infuriates me that someone who knows the story could be this idiotic! We knew what was going on. It was no surprise! We had fought with no success to keep her hospitalized. Mom found a friend that would pick her up… what could we do?!!! I didn’t ever think “What could I have done?” I did EVERYTHING I could do and all the time had my heart ripped to shreds! I asked these very persons to come and help us and they would not.

After her death I looked to my Dad. Maybe he would wake up and start to be a Dad to me. I reached out and yet he stays away. How much grief can a person swallow?

I understand how he feels. My kids and my husband need me. They need me to live life with them and yet sometimes my sadness swallows me up and all I want to do in lay down and pull the covers over my head. I get so very little time to myself, I hide from them sometimes. I used to be racked with guilt over it. I know there is an appropriate time to get away alone so that I can be available to them when they need me and I wont have to hide.

Lord, you know what it feels like to feel forsaken. Take my grief and sadness. It’s yours